Getting this written down while it’s still fresh in my mind. You know how it’s one thing to know something is true, and another thing to actually understand it and put it into practice? I’m sitting at that crossroads, and I need to make a major change.
I don’t know what happened at our family dinner last night, but something clicked in my head. I have 2 friends whose weddings were within a month of my own. We had our own facebook support group for stress caused by getting married, and we still post from time to time about marriage stress. They are fantastic ladies and I value their opinions. One is training to be able to climb Long’s Peak in Colorado, and the other wishes her boyish figure was a bit more curvy and filled out. The whole time we were doing our wedding planning, I was acutely aware that I was the largest of the 3 of us. I was the only one worried she’d fit in her dress. I just felt “less than” through no fault of theirs. Anyway, they were at our dinner last night. And listening to one talk about how much she wished she had curves and muscle definition, and the other talk about how hard running is for her, something just solidified in my mind.
We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. Things I dislike about myself, someone else appreciates. Just because someone has a body type I envy doesn’t mean they don’t have struggles of their own. I know it’s easy to just conclude that nobody is happy with themselves. But that’s not what I choose to take from that. Everyone struggles. We’ve all got stuff we love about ourselves, and stuff we hate. If we were perfect, what would be the point? Hell, we’d probably just stress about maintaining perfect instead of appreciating it for what it is. And so I’m done. I’m over berating myself because my lower abs have a little roll to them, my butt is too big, or that I can’t run as far as other people. I have got to stop the comparison game if I ever want to appreciate myself. I’ve been self-deprecating all my life. And while I’m happy with my life, I’ve never been happy with myself as a result. So, what happens if I just don’t do that anymore? What if, instead, every time I want to chime in “oh, I’m having a fat day too!” or make some comment about how I suck, how about I remind myself that I’m awesome and whomever I’m talking to is too? It seems to be so much easier to build other people up than it is to do for ourselves, and I’m calling BS on that. From now on, friends that see me in person, stop me if I start engaging in that behavior. I’m committed to changing my way of thinking and appreciating that I’m healthy, in the weight range for my height, and can do a half ironman, but I can’t change 35 years of negative thinking overnight. I’m bound to slip-nobody’s perfect, and change takes time. But I’ve said I want to start projecting positive body image several times lately, and it’s time to put my money where my mouth is. And I might need your help.
So that’s where my brain’s gone today and tonight in a nutshell. I want to use this page as a fitness diary, a place where I celebrate a good dinner or workout, and a way to meet people with similar goals. But every once in a while, you have to use it for catharsis, and I guess that’s what we’ve got here. If you’ve gotten this far, thanks for reading. And if you want to join the discussion-is it easier to get down on yourself or to praise a job well done? What do you do when you catch you making yourself feel “less than”?