I was about to make a long winded facebook post, when I realized I had way too much to say. Looking at my news feed lately, its full of “I’m pregnant!” and “look at my adorable baby!” posts. I’m 35; that’s pretty much what women my age are doing. I’ve reached the age where a woman’s focus changes from going out and getting crazy to getting married and having babies. I know so many women who have had adorable babies, who are pregnant with what is certain to be adorable babies, and those who have had struggles. I have a few strong, strong ladies in my life who have dealt with miscarriage and fertility issues and its taught them (and me) so much about who they are and what they can shoulder when given the burden. Ladies, if you’ve ever struggled with fertility, know you’re not alone. I may not seem like the best choice to discuss your struggles with, but I’m here for you if you ever need a sympathetic ear.
I’ve been blessed to have such an understanding husband who when presented with the choice of me enduring endless years of surgeries to stave off some pain or eliminating that and the chance of having children, did not hesitate to say “I choose you and your health”. That doesn’t mean the decision to permanently remove an option doesn’t mess with a lady’s head-it’s like wanting to be the one who initiates the breakup, but still wanting to be wanted. It’s a hard thing for women to talk about, the inability to “give life”, but it doesn’t mean they’re not thinking about it. And while I didn’t really intend to have biological children now, there was definitely a phase in my past where I wanted to become the ultimate science experiment. I was curious-what does it feel like to have a tiny person growing inside you? What changes in your life when your every choice doesn’t just affect you anymore? Would I carry low, or high? Would I gain tons of weight or very little? I’ll never know, and sometimes that hits a little harder than others.
My surgery was my choice, and I stick to it. I’m glad I did it, and I wouldn’t go back and make a different decision. But it wasn’t easy on me. I’m glad I had some extra time to get right with things in my head by being told I had to take some time to heal and not worry about other people for a few days. We’ve considered adoption, and ultimately, we aren’t NEAR ready to even think about that now. We may never be. While back at the gym yesterday, got sucked into a Property Brothers marathon and it got me thinking about what direction our life is headed in. It seems like we have two options-travel the world, live in our eventual dream home, and live for ourselves, or have our honeymoon phase and then pursue adoption, where we would start living for the little life we’d shape. Honestly, it’s not a decision I’m ready to make. I guess by not making a decision, we choose ourselves. All I know is we’re tentatively thinking of taking a first anniversary trip to France. And we could not afford things like that if we had a little one at home. Maybe I choose us. And that’s not the wrong choice, just our choice. And nobody can make it but us.