I haven’t blogged for a while, and this isn’t really how I wanted to come back. But I got some news today that was so frustrating, I just need to vent about it. And you’re my captive audience.
Most people who know me are aware that I’ve been fighting with endometriosis since I was about 23. If you don’t know what it is, click here for a nice medical description. Last November, Jeff and I made the decision to go ahead with my doctor’s recommendation and have a hysterectomy. I’d been through 9 laser laparoscopies to remove the excess tissue, and this was the next step to try and get me pain free. Made sense to me-no uterus, no uterine tissue to grow everywhere, right?
Wrong. I knew there was a chance that it could come back. The nature of the disease is that uterine tissue grows in non uterine places. And while generally it’s just on the outside of the uterus, it’s not confined to that spot. Talking to the nurses at my doctor’s office and going over past surgeries, my disease did like to engulf my left ovary (or was it my right? I can’t remember) and the outside quadrants of my uterus. It was also quite happy to grow on my ureters and around my pelvic wall. I bet you can tell where I’m going with this…
It’s back. I started having pretty serious pain again last week. I thought, hey, maybe it’s ovulation pain-I have no clue or way to have a clue about when that happens for a lady without a uterus. But it’s been hanging in there for the last week, and I started to wonder. So I called the dr, and they are pretty sure it’s back. They wanted to schedule an ultrasound, and pending those results I’m in for another surgery.
I cannot covey how frustrated I am. I cannot believe that it’s back already. 8 short months. Jeez, even WITH a uterus I used to be able to make it through 10 pain free months. Having the hysterectomy was mentally harder on me than I thought it would be. It makes conversations as a newlywed awkward. It makes you feel like an outsider around friends and coworkers who talk about their kids and hush when you show up. And now, to find out I had major surgery for basically nothing? Infuriating. Devastating. I want to curl up and cry. I want to go for a run until I can’t breathe anymore. I want a gallon of wine. I feel totally helpless. This is going to take some processing. I feel like I let people down. Like I let my husband down. He shouldn’t have to deal with this. I shouldn’t have to deal with this. But we do. So I’m going to take tonight and throw a mini pity party, then we’ll deal with whatever comes. Because we’re a team, and though this sucks, it’s not the end of the world.