I started this blog on a whim after returning from our honeymoon. While we were walking around a museum in Ireland, looking at all the amazing artifacts, I was distracted by the tighter-than-normal feel of my pants. I started checking myself in every display case to see if I “looked fat” or not. My deep seated fear of “looking fat” was ruining my experience. I sat down on a bench, thought long and hard about why I was letting it get the best of me, turned my thoughts around, and enjoyed the day. i wanted to explore why I think the way I do, how I choose to communicate with people, and join the blogger community.
The blogging community was a blessing and a curse. I loved reading the training posts from fellow runners, the voyeuristic phenomenon that was “What I ate Wednesday”, and finding like minded individuals who were exploring a life involving fitness. But over time, I’ve come to realize that one of my faults is falling into the comparison trap. I started using other peoples meals & workouts as a barometer. I needed to run as far as X, eat as healthy as Y, and have the presence of mind to photo document everything in the course of my days. I was competing with people who had no idea they were in the game.
After my half marathon one year ago Sunday, I felt a little lost. I had been training for a half marathon all Spring and once it was over I didn’t know where to direct my running. i kept on running about 30 miles a week maintenance from May through late August, when I was unable to ignore a few aches and pains and was diagnosed with stress fractures in my shin. i managed to keep up my fitness level with the cardio machines at the gym until I had a bad stretch of luck for really the last 6 months. 2 months with viral encephalitis, then a corneal infection, then a series of migraines and finally a long bout with bronchitis. My gym time has been limited and I’ve gained about 5-10 pounds.
I’ve been a big supporter of the recent movement to love yourself regardless of any external factors you may find “less than”. ‘Fitspiration” is under fire, bloggers are shining a light on what’s behind the veil, and more and more people are realizing that most images presented to us by the media are staged, airbrushed, and enhanced to a point of perceived perfection. As a society, we’re moving towards acceptance for everyone and I think it’s fantastic.
I enthusiastically try to compliment my friends, keep in touch, and do everything I can to make my friends and family aware of how much I love them and would continue to do so no matter what they went through. The other day Jeff mentioned that he felt a little out of shape and would like to start walking with me. It made me stop and think-he says he’s gained weight since we’ve been together, and i don’t see it because I love him. i’d love him if he gained 50 pounds and I’d love him if he had 5% body fat. And he’d do the same for me-but I don’t afford myself that luxury. It’s been kind of eye opening to realize that for the most part, I’m a better friend to others than i am to myself. I think it’s partially because I was unable to grasp that you can be happy and still want to improve. i automatically thought that if you wanted more, then you couldn’t be happy with what you have. And that’s not true.
I’m heavier than I was a year ago, but I’m the only person who can see it. I’ve had Jeff hide my scale and haven’t weighed in for at least a month. I’m trying to reclaim exercise as something to make me feel good instead of punishment for eating an extra slice of pizza. I may lose some of this excess weight, and i may not. But at the end of the day, I’ve realized that if I died today, my headstone wouldn’t say “Here lies Laura, she maintained a healthy weight”. The things people will remember about me are not quantifiable. They’ll remember my love for dogs. They’ll remember that I checked in on them when they had a bad day. That I made them laugh. That i’m always quick with a joke or a helping hand-or both. And that’s what is important.
I looked at my blog drafts the other day and saw that I have several that are really all saying the same thing. Maybe I don’t have anything new to offer on the subjects I care most about. So for now, i’m shedding my “healthy living blogger” persona and just being Sassy, Classy, and a bit Smart Assy in life. We’re working hard on our garden at home. I’m spending my work day more excited about learning new things than reading RunGirl123’s weekly miles tally. I started doing subversive cross stitch-see below for my next project.
i’m spending less time talking and more time doing, because the original reason for the blog has been filled. i wanted to learn how to enjoy life-even on the days my pants didn’t fit like I wanted them to. And it’s been a twisty, turny road but I think I’m there.
Pretty much every closing line I could think of here was horribly cliche, so I’ll leave you for now much in the way I met you: hilarious internet memes. You can find me being sarcastically optomistic at https://www.facebook.com/llkastens — keep in touch, guys!