How To Start?

Time to sit down and start doing this thing. Why did I start a blog? Many reasons. I am a 5’2′ girl who weighs 130 pounds, give or take a few. At my most, 143 and at my least a brief 119. Most times I stay around the 127 range, but things changed for a few pounds heavier set point when I got together with my now husband. So what do all these numbers mean? In the scheme of things, nothing. But in my head, a never ending battle between happy and shameful. 

As a woman in America, I’m constantly given ways to lose weight, images suggesting I need to, and an unattainable ideal. I’m technically a healthy weight, and I’m for the most part a happy girl, but I’m also obsessed with losing those 3 freaking pounds. My husband and I are foodies. We love the nightly ritual of cooking dinner together or going out for a good meal. Combine that with my athletic nature and we should be good, right? But my appetite seems to be more than my metabolism will allow for that magic number I wish for on the scale. I stay healthy, and I stay happy/unhappy. I’m uncomfortable in my body, uncomfortable in my clothes, and I spend most days trying to find more ways to burn calories. 

So how do I resolve the two? I was walking around a fantastic museum on my honeymoon in Dublin today, looking at Egyptian artifacts and hating the elastic on my dress and underwear. I had to sit down and have a dialog with myself-take myself out of the situation and be objective. Because I was losing the moment I was on my trip for by feeling like I’m having a fat day. I don’t want myself to spend this trip walking 9 miles a day and still feeling like I “shouldn’t” have a proper dinner in a city I love. All I know is I need to find a way to marry the body I’m in with the person I am. I don’t like how much time I spend obsessing about the numbers that make up my weight-how much have I ate today, how many calories did I burn, and what’s that do to the number on the scale. I’m so much more than a number on a scale. I’m a smart girl. I’m funny as hell. I am passionate about being well and fully aware that in the scheme of things, this healthy & capable body I have would suit most people just fine. For Christ’s sake, I did a half iron man a month ago! 

I  know I’m not alone in this struggle. I know many strong and beautiful women who go through this same ebb and flow. Happiness and contentment are within my reach-if I’m willing to let myself be. I also need to remember that being happy doesn’t mean I’m “done”. I can love this body and BECAUSE of that, take good care of it. I can teach classes at the Y, take them, and run because I love this body, not just because I want it to be different. It’s a matter of perspective. I hope to gain some on the rest of this honeymoon. Because Jeff loves me-shouldn’t I? 

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